Inspired by codeman38 and sarahgirl's posts about their relationships, in honor of Disability Blog Carnival #63 Relationships, I thought I would share some thoughts about my own autistic relationship.
[post contains possible spoilers for Adam and My Name is Khan]
My partner and I are both diagnosed autistics. We are a couple of two people who are supposedly incapable of having relationships. We are people who, according to the Maxine Astons of the world, can only bring misery to anyone we're partnered with.
There are no books or forums for people like us. Virtually all of the existing literature on autistics and romantic relationships assumes a neurotypical woman and a (very stereotyped) Asperger's autistic man. That is not us.
We don't do things the "normal" way. We met online, at a certain autism website. We had some difficulties in knowing how to touch each other at first, though we now do it all the time. Our idea of a great date often involves going to bookstores. We have silly repeated phrases, usually involving our cat, that we repeat to each other many times a day. We stim together.
And yes, there are difficulties. We are both disabled and trying to live semi-independently together. Sometimes this is very, very hard.
But we have made it work for three and a half years and counting--two "abnormal" people who are supposed to be incapable of real relationships. Neither of us has ever had a romantic relationship before.
Movies like Adam and My Name is Khan, from what I've heard, promote Aston-like views of autistic relationships: Ultra-neurotypical woman just can't handle being with an autistic man. And who can blame her? Autistic people are just so difficult. (Our difficulties, apparently, aren't worth noting.) Films like Mozart and the Whale are the rare exception.
(I should note here that I haven't actually seen either Adam or My Name is Khan, though I plan to. I am basing my summations off of other people's commentaries. And by "ultra-neurotypical," I mean someone who is portrayed as super-socially acceptable, capable of being empathetic in socially-recognized ways, etc. Usually this character is a woman.)
I think the Aston view is wrong. There are numerous examples of successful non-autistic/autistic relationships. But that's not really the subject of this post.
Because many people who are atypically-brained find love and companionship among our fellow neuro-atypical people. And I don't necessarily just mean autistic/autistic relationships. I'm talking about any number of possible relationships between autistics, people with ADHD, people with learning disabilities, people with Bipolar or other mental illnesses. In my experiences--not only in my relationship, but in friendships--these relationships with other neuro-atypical people are often invaluable. Not only because we may share particular perceptions of the world, but because we also have the shared experience of being marginalized due to one's neurology.
I'm not saying that every neuro-atypical person should seek a relationship with another neuro-atypical person. What I am saying is that these relationships are both common and valuable. We neuro-atypical people do not need to have a relationship with a "normal" person to make us normal by force or proxy. We can make our own kind of normal.
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10 comments:
While neither my husband and I have diagnoses on the spectrum, we have three children who are. Our "quirks" are what brought us together and our "quirks" help keep us together.
Because I pass more easily then my husband (he has pronounced bi-polar disorder, as well as autistic tendencies), people sometimes ask me how I put up with it--meaning him and his behaviors.
They don't seem to realize how much he puts up with from me or how that makes us perfect for each other.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes! As I alluded to in my own post, one of the reasons I think my own relationship does in fact work so well is that my girlfriend is an ADDer (and proud of it). So we both 'get' each other's little neurological quirks, and we're willing to let each other be our quirky selves.
I am an autistic woman with a neurotypical boyfriend. Something autism experts don't seem to think exists, or if it does, the neurotypical male either exploits the autistic partner, or her "unfeminine ways" frustrate him. My boyfriend and I fall under neither of these prejudices, we have a very healthy, respectful relationship.
He does have some extra work to do, such as driving me places since I can't drive myself, but we consider them to be trivial.
What matters is that we understand each other's gifts and shortcomings, even though he's NT, he sympathizes and understands his best, and that is a quality any partner should have, really.
Thank you for posting this, and thank you for sending out a big message to the neuro-typical community. I'm part of that community, and I think a lot of the attitudes about neurodiversity and love are disgusting and hurtful. I want to share this simple post with my friends, and I hope that I can help them change their minds and be more understanding and accepting. It's time we all start pulling together!
Great insight into aspie-aspie relationships. I do think your interpretation of the movie Adam was unfair, however. I think Adam was more positive than you made it seem.
Thanks for all the comments.
Alex, that may well be true. I haven't yet seen the movie. (I know, I probably should have before commenting.) I've just noticed a pattern of "romance" movies with autistic characters which don't end in happily ever after. Which is completely unusual for the romance film genre, and is telling IMHO. But I'm glad to hear that the movie might be better than I fear.
There are no books or forums for people like us.
http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org
I made it because you're pretty much right -- every one out there assumed a very NT woman very miserable in a relationship with a stereotypical Asperger's autistic man. Complete with the bit about how awful it is to even be near an autistic person and how heroic and brave it is to put up with us, and how we don't really have feelings, etc.
Anyway. Most of the users on that forum are in NT-AS relationships, but we have autistic-autistic partners as well. And we don't put up with crap about how autistic people aren't capable of real relationships or are always the problem in their relationships.
(Not just for romantic relationships either -- friendships, etc. It's relationships with autistic kids that are out of scope, because, well, 'autism moms' scare me and they seem to take over.)
Oh, sorry. Click my name and it'll take you to the ASD relationships forum.
My own spouse has social anxiety disorder and just isn't all that neurotypical in a lot of ways. Certainly not autistic either, but we're not 'normal' people or a 'normal' couple. But we have a very very happy marriage. Especially considering that we're two people who both thought we'd always live alone, and have had just about everyone else agree that we would.
I loved this! We can make our own kind of normal.
I understand your relationship as I am in a similar type position. I have been pushed to the side for neurological problems for so long.
My partner and I always make it work somehow.
Come visit me at It's Time To Get Over How Fragile You Are sometime!
Can I just say I LOOOVE your blog? Your posts are saying all the things I'm thinking, too.
Anyway, I'm an autistic woman in a long-term-committed relationship with a neurotypical woman. We also have 2 kids. Yes, that's right: autistic, gay, kids. Take that, Autism Speaks et al! :-p
You're right, it IS monumentally frustrating to see the old, tired stereotypes - the long-suffering NT woman, the clueless Aspie man. Mega-annoying, TBH. As you say, the rest of us can make our own kind of normal.
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