Most of these kids, ages 6-12, had their noses buried in Gameboys or the equivalent. Few conversed. I said hello to one or two; none made eye contact and only one mumbled a return greeting. There was no possibility of conversation.
These typical kids spend virtually all of their time moving through a series of activities that are wholly planned and managed by adults. Any time that is not managed is spent in front of the TV or the computer, or on a cell phone. In general, these kids take ordinary classes, finish school when the school bell rings, take part in extra curricular activities of their choice, and have few additional demands placed on them - of any sort.
Amazingly, I saw no concern on the part of their parents that these kids were not making eye contact. No one seemed to care that they were not conversing. There was no expectation that they'd make their own beds or meals - or even speak on their own behalf to a clerk or waitress.
It's as though autistic kids are expected to be more "normal" than "normal" kids. True "normalcy" as defined by many behaviorist programs does not really exist.
Autistic kids, it seems, are expected to use every situation as an "educational" experience in Being Social and Being Appropriate--even though social situations cause us sensory overload and we are far more likely to have social anxiety, as a group. And, as Rudy says, most "normal" kids do not spend their lives Being Social and Being Appropriate. It is truly unfortunate that some autistic people face even greater social pressures due to their diagnosis alone, when the right response to autism identification would be to alter social expectations to be more autistic-friendly. Instead, it seems as though autistic kids too often get saddled with unreasonable expectations by anyone's standard. We typically need more alone time and more time to unwind--not less. Scheduling therapy session after therapy session often prohibits that. (Then, of course, there is the tendency to classify everything autistic kids do as somehow "therapeutic," even if it's playing legos.)
Autistic children are kids. Unfortunately, the autism "treatment" rigamarole too often doesn't allow them their childhoods.
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6 comments:
Good post. It's far better to just raise your child be the way s/he's supposed to be. I'm using all my autistic boy's talents and preferences in his education and make allowances for the things and situations he finds difficult. Apart from speech therapy which ended about 3 years ago, he has no therapy, just education and parenting, like his siblings.
This part of Rudy's post stood out to me: [Autistic kids] are expected to behave appropriately at all times, or suffer significant consequences which would not be visited on a typical child - in part because behavior plans for autistic children are already in place and ready to be used, while teachers don't have the time or support to manage the behaviors of typical children"
This is definitely the downside of a child being "identified" with an ASD. It seems like kids with IEPs become scapegoats to some degree, i.e., the teacher knows that a kid has a "problem," so he is easily and readily singled out for his inappropriate behaviors (who would dispute that the autistic kid was being disruptive?). The "typical" kids in the same class could be acting in a similar manner--talking too much, acting silly, etc.--but the teacher doesn't take it as seriously.
As for the social skills stuff, that's all true. The average child does not make decent eye contact, and does not have appropriate manners or social skills. When was the last time a young "typical" child--not your own--spontaneously held a door open for you after noticing your arms were full? Simply does not happen. Even most teenagers--and adults, for that matter--don't read these kinds of "social cues" and respond appropriately.
Yes, absolutely, to this entire post. Thank you, Sarah.
I think this analysis can be applied equally to AD(H)D children, or children with any other label attached to them. I'm sure children with a hyperactivity diagnosis get away with a lot less spontenaeity and rambunctiousness than children without one.
What an interesting point, thank you. I never really thought about that, but it's true, some people have this image of "normal child" in their heads that... uh, is pretty far from average (what I assume "normal" is supposed to mean).
I wonder if people are confusing "normal" for "[subjective view of] ideal."
This subject was discussed surprisingly well on an episode of House M.D., where the patient with the mystery illness was a non-verbal autistic boy living in a household with nigh-Orwellian restrictions. When asked why it's bad that the parents want the kid to be normal, the good doctor responds...
" See, skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle, and everyone inside the circle is normal, anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized or worse, pitied. "
And his follow-up, when asked that it's wrong to pity the boy...
" House: Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid, I envy him. "
And it's House who solves the mystery by attempting to communicate with the boy on his level, as opposed to the heavy-handed behavioral coercion everyone else had tried.
Now, House is a show with largely iffy representations of disability ( most notably, how often the protagonist bitches about his limp ), but I bring this up because Sarah and I were watching this episode together recently, and I found it particularly affecting.
The article was quite spot-on about this problem, as it illuminates a point that most people ignore when talking about disability rights; for a person with any sort of significant handicap, life is going to be harder by default. Be it an ASD, a mental illness, a severe injury, or a chronic pain condition, " fitting in " cannot be achieved by good old-fashioned American concepts of willpower and grit; concessions will be required, if only to minimize the unfairness of the playing field.
As a parent of an Asperger's kid, I see him as a child with many talents and gifts that I so wish I could have. I have seen what was mentioned above, about how "normal" kids have their noses buried in handheld games, or some other activity that is a singular activity. Yet, when my son does that, there is something wrong. Ok. We bought him a gameboy, mostly for hand/eye coordination-he used it for 2 months, and there it sits. He'd rather read his books or learn about the bible and LEARN. I see his classmates struggling with some of the same issues as he does (lack of eye contact, lack of verbaliziing...) but they are treated as tho' that's ok.
I have come to the place in my son's advocacy that he's a kid, plain and simple. Everything else is a tag to try to explain things to others to make them comfortable.
But we live in an area where it is so small that he is accepted for himself. (his elementary school has 16 kids, with 1.4 teachers, an aide, secretary, cook and a special resources person) He's also part of equine therapy, which can be really difficult for a "normal" child, but animals and autistic kids just seem to have that connection. He's in the classroom with everyone else; if he's not there, he's doing horses. He's lucky.
As you can tell, I just found this blog, I could go on and on. But the biggest thing I have learned is to be an advocate for him quietly (his whole school advocates for him too), to accept him as he is with joy and pleasure in his talents.
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